Life changes in an instant
My husband’s small engine plane lost power minutes after takeoff. A Good Samaritan rescued him from his burning plane. He was badly burned and survived for five months. We carried so much hope he’d come home. Instead, he died within 24 hours from an infection.
Once he was gone, I went into deep shock. He was the love of my life. We met in our first jobs after college. He was my rock – smart, confident, at home anywhere in the world. We were each very independent. As a couple, we were better together.
Everyone thought he was going to make it. He was a fighter and loved life. Our community of family and friends were rooting for him. But it was too much. Burn is one of the most traumatic injuries a human being can experience. If anyone could do it, we believed he could.
When he died, the picture of my life as I knew it shattered into a million pieces
It’s the sort of thing that you think happens to other people but not you.
The first year was the hardest. I was in shock and disbelief. How do you erase a person from your life after being together for so many years? The brain can’t handle it. My heart broke a thousand times. I cried a lot. I kept waiting for him to step in the front door every day. I’d look at the empty passenger seat in my car wondering where he was.
Someone said that grief is love looking for a home. There’s nowhere for all that love in your heart to go.
As a parent, I didn’t want my boys to lose their dad so early. I was twenty three years old when my dad died. While he was there for my childhood, he missed the big adult milestones – my wedding, the birth of my two boys, my professional success, family vacations together. Sadly, it will now be the same for my boys.
Learning to let go
As Viktor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” So much of my grief journey was accepting that Mark was gone. At some point, my dear friend Suzie very wisely said to me, “Jenny, it’s time to create new memories.” Not to replace the wonderful memories of my husband but to add to the picture book of my life.
I was a Type A person until his accident. When the unthinkable happened to us, I began to notice that the world and our lives are constantly changing. There are no guarantees in life. Bad things happen. I reminded myself that good things can also happen.
I let go of the need to control everything and learned to live more fully in the present moment. Many philosophers and authors speak about this idea, but I didn’t understand what they meant until now. I learned to trust that life is like a river that flows at its own pace. Ultimately, I learned to be quiet inside and listen to my intuition. We are wiser and know more than we realize. We have to learn to turn off all that noise in our heads and to be still. In order to hear our inner voice.
Who am I without him?
I spent time learning who I was without my husband. We’d been together for thirty one years.
I discovered that 80% of who I was, was intact. I still loved to ski. I still wanted to see Foo Fighters live. I still loved the warm, salty smell of an ocean breeze.
I tried to live life to the fullest because it was who Mark and I were as people. I took a crash course in Italian language with a friend. I learned to play pickleball and to paddleboard. I went to Turkey with my son Adrian and we met up with friends in Italy. I left my corporate job and went back to the creative life, working on a novel I had started writing many years ago.
I found love and love found me
Once I found myself, I found love again. I wanted to be happy.
Not everyone wants to date or find a partner again. I did. I knew Mark wouldn’t want me to be alone. I never felt guilty because he once told me if something happened to me, he’d need companionship.
There were so many signs that guided my partner and I to each other. I knew before I met him that there was another soulmate out there in the world for me. My intuitive voice evoked a metaphor for how I’d meet my him - we were two people riding on different trains headed to the Paris train station. I understood that timing was everything. We both had necessary stops to take along the way before we’d be ready to meet.
Trust me, it will get better
Everyone heals in their grief journey at a different pace. There were many times when I took two steps forward and then one step back. Surround yourself with family and friends who love and support you. My spouse grief support group, family and friends were my lifeline.
With time the sad times shift from days or hours to moments.
Run away but then come back to yourself
I have a tendency to run away or distract myself when I feel bad. I was awfully good at this after Mark died. When covid kept us homebound, I was forced to turn inward. I learned that allowing myself to experience the full cycle of emotions rather than repressing them was a healthier way to get through my grief.
Take the time to self reflect. Being aware of how you’re feeling and how you’re evolving is valuable. I found journaling helpful. Talking to others in a support group or with a grief therapist can also be valuable.
Find the small things that give you joy. I love the Italian language. It’s so expressive and passionate. I enjoyed every minute of learning to speak it. What gives you joy? Find those activities and GO DO IT.
Nature is healing. Time in nature reminds us how much the natural world is bigger than just us. It offers perspective. Shinrin roku is the Japanese concept of forest bathing. Research shows spending time in nature regularly reduces our blood pressure and improves our sense of well-being.
We were not meant to be alone. Robert Putnam in his Netflix documentary, Join or Die tells us that Americans have become increasingly socially isolated. We’re lonelier than ever before. We need meaningful connections with other people – in person. Join a club or a meet-up to find people with common interests. Volunteer at a non-profit to help others. Have coffee or go for a walk with friends. Research shows that human beings thrive when they have close relationships in their lives.
Most of all, be patient with yourself. Be kind. It takes whatever time it takes to heal.
Jenny is the author of Forever Fly Free - One Woman’s Story of Resilience and the Power of Hope and Love which will be available October 2025.
I'm sure it's shattering to lose the love of your life like that. My hat's off to you for bouncing back. And yes, time in nature is always good. What an inspiring post. Best wishes, Jenny.
You have inspired so many Jenny and I am happy for you as you step into this next phase of life. I am looking forward to your book release!